


i can't drown my demons

by electricindigo



Series: hear the silence [1]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Bed-Wetting, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Homesick Lance (Voltron), Hurt Lance (Voltron), Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Torture, Insecure Lance (Voltron), Lance (Voltron) is a Mess, Lance (Voltron)-centric, Lance cries a lot, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape Recovery, Sad Lance (Voltron), Space Dad Shiro (Voltron)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-10
Updated: 2017-06-11
Packaged: 2018-11-12 12:24:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11161773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/electricindigo/pseuds/electricindigo
Summary: Lance gets seriously hurt during a mission, affecting both his physical health and mental health. The team is worried. Lance doesn’t remember what happened. He doesn’t want to be helped.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> my grandfather once told me stories from the war, and how horrible the different recovery processes for his friends were. it got me thinking - if adults take years to recover, what about teenagers?
> 
> this fic is loosely based on real experiences that many of my grandfather's friends have gone through. i am in no way generalizing how recovery from trauma is like. everybody experiences different things and grows in different ways!
> 
> ✧ trigger warnings for bedwetting, anxiety, panic attacks, nightmares about non consensual acts, and the like  
> ✧ note for lance: it gets worse before it gets better. (but at least it gets better...doesn't it?)
> 
> this is my very first fic and my very first attempt at writing a long story for such a diverse fandom. please let me know what you think!

_It’s cold._

 

Those are the first words that Lance thinks of when he regains consciousness. _Why is it so cold? Did the heaters break or something?_

 

“-ance? Lance! Can you hear me?!”

 

His bones hurt and his legs are screaming in pain. He moans, opening his eyes to see his whole team looking over him in concern. And… Hunk is crying? Why is Hunk crying?

 

“Lance! Say something!”

 

 _Keith, shut up,_ he wants to say. Instead, he opens his mouth, gags, and rolls to the side to throw up straight bile on the castle floor.

 

“Oh God,” he hears Pidge whimper. “What’s happening? He needs water!”

 

“Ugh,” Lance coughs, covering his ears. His voice sounds scratchy from disuse and it feels like his mouth is full of cotton. “Too loud,”

 

“God, Lance,” Shiro says, eyes surprisingly shiny. “We thought you were _dead._ ”

 

 _Dead?_ He thinks. _Why would I be… Oh. Oh._

 

That’s right. He was kidnapped. By the Galra.

 

Lance squeezes his eyes shut, trying to remember what happened, but all he remembers is being dragged around by the Galra, being thrown into different cages, dark figures touching his skin and…

 

He whimpers suddenly, turning and throwing up again. _No, that couldn’t have happened, I’m just remembering things,_ he thinks as the rest of his team freak out. _No one can know._

 

“He needs to get in a healing pod stat!” He hears Keith shriek, and he feels arms pick him up despite how dirty and bloody he is. Lance yelps in pain. “Fuck,” he moans. “That hurts, holy shit,”

 

“Stop talking,” Shiro orders, voice shaky as he drapes him in a thick blanket and carries him to the healing pods. “We’ll talk once your body has recovered, okay?”

 

Lance blinks and nods, clinging to Shiro. He’s too exhausted to fully grasp his situation, all he knows is that he’s warm and with his team again.

 

* * *

 

The first few days after Lance’s rescue are tiring. They keep him confined in the healing room, testing him for possible infections and such. Pidge hovers over him all the time, only letting him wander around the castle when he needs to use the bathroom. Hunk keeps trying to give him different Altean supplements to heal the scars and bruises, and although the gesture is nice, Lance begins to feel like they’re nursing a broken bird. Keith sits and watches, helping Lance get back into the pod every night.

 

On the first night Lance is free to roam around the castle, he gets into bed early. "I’ve missed you,” he sighs, flopping down on his bed and grabbing a pillow. He lies there alone until the whole team barges in.

 

“Oh good, you’re still awake,” Keith says, leading the group inside. “We got you water.”

 

“Oh, thanks,” Lance says, standing up and reaching for the pouch. He sips it, eyeing his teammates nervously as they all sit down in front of him. “Uhh…”

 

“Can you tell us what happened? While you were on the ship?” Keith asks him right away, and Lance shakes his head.

 

“I can’t remember much,” Lance says honestly. “I only remember, um, like… They beat me up a lot, and, other stuff,”

 

“That would explain the bruises.”

 

“Then they kept pretending you guys were saving me,” he admits, throat closing him. He coughs and then shrugs. “It just, it sucked.”

 

Shiro reaches out to rub Lance’s back. The sudden contact makes Lance yelp and almost fall out of the bed, trembling lightly. “Woah,” Hunk blinks. Everyone is looking at Lance with a weird expression.

 

“Sorry,” Lance chuckles awkwardly. “It just hurts, like. A lot.”

 

“Oh, my bad,” Shiro says softly, smiling, but something in his eyes tells Lance that he doesn’t believe him. “Are you tired? Do you wanna sleep?”  


“Yeah actually,” Lance yawns, gingerly lying down. “I don’t mean to kick you guys out, but…”

 

“It’s fine, dude,” Pidge smiles, standing up. “If you need anything, you know where to find us.”

 

For some reason, that statement annoys Lance. It makes him feel like he’s less strong than them now because he was captured. He lies down, ignoring them as they say goodnight, and instead, pulling his blanket over his entire body. _That’s better,_ he thinks, listening to the steady ticking of the clock and the hum of the castle ship’s engines as he falls asleep.

 

* * *

 

 

_“Look at you. Such a good boy, such a pretty boy. I want you all to myself, blue pilot. You deserve to feel good.”_

 

_“No,” Lance whimpers, struggling against the binds. “Let me go, let me go, please, I don’t want-”_

 

_“Shut up,” the guard barks, slapping him across his left cheek. Lance’s face burns. “You are in no position to argue with me, boy.”_

 

_Lance whines and tries to escape, but his efforts are futile. The guard licks his lips and reaches out to touch him, moving closer and closer and closer until -_

 

Lance wakes up with a gasp and a scream dying in his throat. He jolts upright, looking around wildly and trying to figure out where he is and how many people are touching him. He breathes out slowly when he realizes that the walls are grey and not purple, and that the only sound he is hearing is coming from the clock on his bedside table. He was on a bed, and not on a floor. _Right,_ he thinks. _I’m back on the castle ship. I’m no longer held captive._ Sighing quietly, he wiggles in place. The bed feels damp, too damp to be sweat, and he freezes when he feels the warm wetness on his crotch.

 

Lance suddenly feels very fuzzy. This can’t be happening - he hasn’t wet the bed in years. He breathes heavily and opens his eyes again, hoping desperately that it’s just an illusion, but sure enough, his pajamas are still soaked with piss.

 

“ _No,_ ” Lance whimpers, rubbing his eyes. “Nononono,”

 

He jumps off the bed like it’s on fire, and tries to see how to get out of this one – _how did abuela do it?_ When he was younger and he wet the bed, his _abuela_ would be the one to help him clean up, and give him hot chocolate after… But she’s not here, she probably doesn’t even think he’s still alive… Whining, he shakes his head, trying to get rid of those thoughts and calm down. He checks the clock, and breathes a tiny sigh of relief when he realizes no one’s awake yet. Whimpering quietly, Lance begins to peel the sheets off the bed, ignoring the searing pain in his left shoulder. He needs to do this quickly, before anyone wakes up.

 

He strips the bed and his pajamas, wincing at the sharp smell of ammonia, bundling them all up and shoving them into a corner in his room before he grabs a towel and hobbles to the bathroom. He cleans himself up sluggishly and tries to wash away the remnants of his nightmare, feeling shaky, humiliated, and exhausted once he gets out of the shower.

 

He winces as he walks back to his room. _Ouch,_ he thinks, rubbing his shoulder. _That hurts._ Once he’s clothed, and the bed has fresh sheets, he starts to freak out again, and he spends at least ten minutes curled up on his bed, trying to control his breathing. _I just drank too much water,_ he thinks, trying to convince himself. _And my body is tired. That’s why._ His train of thought is interrupted by three sharp knocks on the door.

 

“Fuck!” Lance shrieks, running to the door and locking it before anyone opens it.

 

“Lance?” Shiro’s concerned voice floats through the door. Lance sees the doorknob shake.  
“What are you doing?”

 

“Uh,” the teen stammers. “N-nothing. I j-just woke up and I couldn’t sleep again. Quiznack, you scared me.”

 

It’s silent for a while, but Lance can still feel Shiro’s presence.

 

“Are… Are you okay?” Shiro asks tentatively.

 

“Yes, Shiro,” Lance breathes out shakily.  “Seriously. I’m fine. Just peachy. Look, I’ll… I’ll meet you in the kitchen in a few minutes, okay?’

 

“As long as you’re okay, kid.”

 

“I’m okay, Shiro. Really.”

 

But really, he’s okay. He’s great, actually. He’s dealt with this before, and it’s not like it’s new to him. He doesn’t need anyone to take care of him, he doesn’t want Shiro to see, so it’s fine. He’s fine.

 

He’s okay. He’s okay.

 

_(He’s not.)_

* * *

 

 

It gets worse.

 

Every little thing triggers him, and the worst part is, he doesn’t really know why. He blacks out when Keith hits his face while training, and wakes up to Hunk and Keith watching over him in his room. He panics and kicks them out. Pidge tries to help by showing Lance their new research and tech, but Lance can’t focus enough to actually appreciate it. During one dinner, Allura calmly tells him he needs to stop training until he fully recovers, and he throws a fit, slamming his bayard on the table and running back to his room. Shiro follows and knocks on his door with a plate of food, and Lance tells him to fuck off.

 

He wakes up every hour to try and avoid another nighttime accident. When the shadows in his room are getting too much for him, he spends his nights at the planetarium deck, counting the stars to calm his anxiety. On one particular bad night, Lance stays there and stares at the ceiling to pass time. After a few hours, Keith quietly walks in, yawning, then narrowing his eyes at him. “God, do you ever sleep?” Keith sounds irritated, but Lance can hear concern and pity in his voice.

 

“I sleep,” Lance mumbles back, turning away. “Just… I don’t know. It was hard. Harder. Tonight.”

 

“Wanna talk about it?” Keith asks quietly.

 

Lance scoffs and stands up. “No thanks. Not with you.”

 

“Okay,” Keith bristles, but ignores Lance’s retort. “Uh, there’s breakfast outside. Typical green goo.”

 

“I’m not hungry,” Lance replies, standing up and sighing tiredly. “I’m gonna go back to my room.”

 

Lance continues to hide his panic attacks and snap at everyone for no apparent reason. His blackouts occur a lot more, and his health is slowly deteriorating, which is made known when he collapses one day during a meeting. Coran yelps and basically throws him into a healing pod overnight, and when Lance comes out, he doesn’t feel better at all.

 

“You fainted because you are severely sleep deprived,” Allura sits him down when he comes out. “You need to _rest._ And eat.”

 

“I’m resting and eating fine, Princess,” Lance rolls his eyes, but his heart starts to beat quicker. _No one is supposed to know that he isn’t okay._

 

“A paladin’s first priority is health, always,” she says, trying to sound authoritative, but there are hints of pity and concern in her voice. “You have to shape up, or at this rate, you’ll be unfit forever.”

 

And Lance flinches, looking down. He feels useless and tired. _It would be better if I wasn’t a paladin,_ he thinks. _It would be better if I was —_

 

“Don’t finish that sentence,” Allura says, her eyes shining, and Lance’s face flushes when he realizes he said that aloud. “You and I both know that isn’t true. We need you. We need to help you. But you aren’t letting us see what happened.”

 

“How can I?” Lance’s voice cracks, and he takes a deep breath to try and compose himself. “Princess, I can’t even remember how I was captured. I can’t remember how you guys saved me, too. Everything’s mostly just- just one big blur, and it’s terrifying.”

 

Allura reaches out and rubs Lance’s back. “I know. Being a paladin is not an easy task-”

  
Lance scoffs, wiping his teary eyes. “No kidding,”

 

“-but someone has to do it,” she continues. “And for what it’s worth, we are very glad that it’s you who pilots the blue lion. And we all know you’re stronger than this, and that you can recover faster if you try hard enough.”

 

That should make Lance feel better. Instead, it makes his blood simmer. _I’m trying really hard,_ he wants to say. _I’m not strong._

 

“Thanks,” he mumbles instead, standing up. He needs to leave before he breaks. “If it’s okay, I’m gonna go sleep.”

 

* * *

 

The week Lance breaks starts off as the worst week of his life.

 

He falls asleep during a team meeting, and Allura scolds him in front of everyone. Shiro steps in and defends him, leading him to his room and telling him to get some rest. Lance is too exhausted to be embarrassed, and he ends up falling asleep for more than two hours for the first time in a week.

 

He wakes up to a blaring alarm and soaked sheets eight hours later, freezing when he realizes that the alarm is coming from the main room, signaling that the Galra have found them. “Hurry up, Lance!” He hears Shiro yell through the door before running off. Lance quickly changes, making a face at the uncomfortable feeling of his uniform against his chafed legs. He grabs his bayard and runs to Blue, tripping over his feet more than once. “Get in!” Pidge shrieks at him.

 

“Sorry guys-” he tries to say, but is interrupted by the sounds of shooting and yelling.

 

“Focus, Lance,” Shiro’s authoritative voice floats through his helmet. “Everyone, out. Hunk and Lance, work on rescuing those who are held captive. Pidge, work on defenses. Keith and I will focus on weakening their troop.”

 

Lance takes a deep breath as he follows Shiro’s instructions, landing Blue and sneaking into the Galra ship with Hunk by his side. He realizes that this is the first battle he’s fought after being captured. For some reason, his hands become sweaty and his breathing speeds up. _This is the hall they dragged me in,_ he thinks , feeling himself start to disassociate. _And this is where Zarkon -_

 

“Uh, dude? You okay?”

 

Lance flinches and looks at Hunk, who is staring at him with a weird look. “I’m fine,” he says quickly, shaking his head to rid the memory. “They keep the hostages further down the hall.”

 

They walk quietly and quickly, taking down guards as stealthily as possible. When they finally reach the prison, Lance is struck with an overwhelming sense of fear and familiarity, and suddenly feels like he’s floating.

 

He lets Hunk take the lead, trying to compose himself and trying to push down the sudden increase in his anxiety. He can hear all the prisoners crying and thanking them, Hunk giving him instructions on where to send them, so he follows. Time passes by sluggishly and at some point he backs away, needing to get out of there. He runs off, eyes full of unshed tears (since when did he start crying?) and runs straight into a guard. _Fuck._

 

“I remember you,” the guard says, voice dark and sensual. “The blue paladin… Such a shame you had to leave. I thought you were having fun with us.”

 

“Let me go,” Lance panics, pulling away and grasping for his bayard. The guard grins and charges towards him and Lance freezes. For some reason, he can’t make himself move.

 

Suddenly, a blur of red flies in front of Blue. Lance snaps out of his daze. “Keith!” He yelps. “What are you doing?!”

 

“Saving your ass! Get back!”

 

* * *

 

Lance is so, _so,_ angry. So angry, to the point that once they’re all safe inside the castle ship, he turns and shoves Keith to the floor.

 

Keith stumbles. “What the fuck?”

 

“Stop making me the victim of your stupid hero complex!” Lance snaps, his blood boiling. His fists are clenched at his sides, and his whole body is trembling.

 

“What on _Earth_ are you talking about?” Hunk sighs, pulling Lance away.

 

He wiggles out of his grasp. “I don’t need his fucking help, okay?”

 

“What the _fuck,_ Lance?!” Keith repeats, his voice raising. “I was trying to protect you! _”_

 

“I had it under control!” Lance shouts back, his hands shaking.

 

“You weren’t even focused!”

 

“I was trying to distract the guards!”

 

“You could have _died!_ ”

 

“It wouldn’t have mattered if I died!” He heaves, trembling. “I’m sick and tired of you all acting like I’m damaged goods! Let me do my own fucking job, and if I die, so be it!”

 

Lance shakes from exertion and Hunk and Keith stare at him. “I hope you don’t mean that,” Keith says, voice shaky and quiet. “It matters if you die. You’re so selfish to even think that.”

 

“Talk to us,” Hunk finally speaks, pleading with tears in his eyes. “You’re so distant. We’re worried.”

 

“Seriously,” Keith adds, biting his lip, all earlier traces of anger gone. “I don’t- none of us know what to do to make you feel better. Maybe you need someone older. Talk to Shiro, at least. Or even Coran.”

 

“Just fuck off, alright?” Lance snaps, then turns, pointing at Keith. “I don’t need you telling me what I need. How would _you_ know if you needed someone older? You don’t even have fucking parents!”

 

Keith inhales sharply and Lance feels his throat dry out. “W-wait, Keith, I didn’t mean-”

 

“You did,” Keith rasps, eyes suspiciously shiny and wet. “Fine. I’ll fuck off. Sorry for caring.”

 

Keith stands up and calmly walks away, leaving Lance speechless and Hunk angry.

 

“I know you’re hurting, but that was really uncalled for.” Hunk says, standing up and shaking his head, turning to follow Keith. “You want space. I get it now.”

 

* * *

 

They stop trying.

 

It shouldn’t hurt Lance as much as it does, because _he asked for it,_ and if he was in their position he’d totally do the same. That realization makes it hurt more. He doesn’t talk during meals, hides away in his room while the rest of the team is training, cries to himself when he wakes up with wet sheets, and nearly passes out from exhaustion when he has panic attacks.

 

The team doesn’t converse with him anymore, respecting his privacy. Pidge tries to ask him questions during breakfast, but Lance can’t focus enough to answer properly. Instead, he leaves and decides to spend most of his time in Blue, curling up on the floor and crying when everything gets too much.

 

His health deteriorates some more, to the point where the team goes on missions without him. Lance can’t help but cry every time they come back successful, but he’s not surprised. He was the weak link before he got kidnapped, and he’s still the weak link now.

 

Lance needs help - he _knows_ that - but he doesn’t know how to ask for help without looking or sounding like a child. He’s too embarrassed to let his team know what’s going on even though his body desperately begs for rest and refuge. He wishes someone was able to help him without directly asking him what he needed. He misses his family - he misses when people would be able to see what was wrong and help him without having to ask, he misses when he didn’t feel dirty whenever someone touched him, he misses a lot of things.

 

He misses being happy.

 

The nightmares and flashbacks don’t stop. The bed-wetting doesn’t stop either. He locks his door every night to try and hide, and often, he wakes up screaming. Shiro always knocks and tries to coax him into opening the door. It never works. Eventually, the knocking stops.

 

It gets worse after that. He hates to admit it, but he misses Shiro’s incessant knocking on his bedroom door at night. It made him feel cared for, but when he finally has the courage to unlock the door one night, Shiro doesn’t come, and he realizes that this is his fault. He pushed his teammates away and now they don’t care about him.

 

He is completely, and utterly _alone_.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance breaks. His team is there to pick up the pieces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> final chapter!
> 
> ✧ trigger warnings for bedwetting, anxiety, panic attacks, nightmares. LANCE TALKS ABOUT HIS SEXUAL ABUSE HERE. please tread carefully!  
> ✧ note for lance: it gets worse before it gets better. (but at least it gets better...doesn't it?)

The paladins get used to having meetings without Lance in secret. Meetings on what will happen if they need to help a planet again or if Zarkon finds them.

 

“Look, I just don’t want to be attacked again while Lance is still like this. It’s gonna drag us down,” Keith sighs in frustration.

 

“He’s unstable,” Hunk adds quietly. “He’s… It’s bad. He won’t let anyone talk to him.”

 

“I know,” Shiro sighs. “I’ve been trying, but it just doesn’t seem to be working.”

 

“Give him space then,” Pidge speaks, voice scratchy and tired. “I’m tired of seeing him blow up at everyone. I think he forgets that we have feelings too.”

 

The rest of the group mumbles in agreement, while Shiro listens. It’s a difficult decision to make, but it’s needed, so they respect Lance’s wishes and leaves him alone. It hurts Shiro to see how withdrawn Lance has become, but he doesn’t pay any attention to it anymore. Not for now.

 

* * *

 

After a particularly exhausting mission, the paladins go to bed early, not even bothering to join Lance, Allura, and Coran for dinner. Shiro watches Lance secretly, frowning when he sees how dark his eyebags have gotten, and how thin he seems to be. He’s about to go talk to him one more time when Lance stands up and leaves the dining table, going straight to his room and slamming the door.

 

“He’s hurting,” Coran notes, placing his hand on Shiro’s shoulder gently. “And I think if he keeps hiding how he feels, he’ll break.”

 

“I don’t know how to help,” he admits.

 

“Go rest,” Coran soothes, smiling at him gently. “We will try again tomorrow.”

 

* * *

 

Shiro wakes up from the light doze when he hears the sound of something shattering. Instantly, he is up, grabbing his bayard and stealthily trying to follow the sound. _Did someone sneak in?_

 

“Stop, please,” he hears a whimper, and he stops in his tracks. He bites his lip. _Lance? If I go in there again, he’ll kick me out and…_

 

“No,” he hears, followed by the sound of something crashing again.

 

“Fuck it,” Shiro whispers, ready to break down Lance’s door, and frowning when he realizes that it’s unlocked. _That’s a first._

 

Shiro flicks on the light and is shocked at the sight in front of him.

 

Lance is curled up on the floor, clearly have a panic attack and a flashback, his eyes wide and full of tears. Both of his bedside lamps are broken and shattered, and he’s breathing so hard that it seems like he’s about to faint. When he sees Shiro, he whines and jumps back in bed, hiding under the covers, entire form shaking.

 

“Lance,” Shiro says, approaching his bed and reaching out a comforting hand. His hand barely touches Lance when the teen flinches away and scrambles to move further down the bed, crying out. Shiro notices the bruises on Lance’s arms, the scratches and the scars, and his stomach churns. How did none of them notice that it wasn’t healing?

 

Lance whimpers helplessly, jolting Shiro back to reality. The teenager is crying into his knees, actively trying to shield his whole body and appear smaller than he actually is. Shiro can tell that he’s having a particularly bad flashback of what happened while he was held hostage, and he doesn’t know what to do to help. “Lance, open your eyes, look at me,” he tries again, eyes widening when Lance moves away from his touch.

 

“N-No, get off, don’t-don’t touch me, no,” Lance whimpers.

 

Shiro watches Lance in alarm, shocked at how broken he sounds. “Lance, you’re safe,” he says firmly, reaching out slowly to pull back the blankets. Once he does that, he is hit by the strong smell of ammonia, and his eyes widen. Lance’s boxer shorts and the sheets around them have darkened considerably, and that could only mean… _Oh. Poor Lance,_ Shiro thinks.

 

“Lance?” Shiro says again. “Lance, you have to focus and breathe, okay? You’re here in the castle. You’re safe with me, okay?”

 

“You’re _lying,_ ” Lance gasps, shaking his head. His eyes are filled to the brim with tears and a few of them slip out. “Stop lying, s-stop-”

 

“Lance, look at me, okay? Do you know who I am?”

 

The frightened teenager looks up slowly, confusion filling his eyes. “Sh-Shiro?”

 

“Yes, it’s me,” Shiro says tentatively, moving a little closer to the teenager, who looks like a frightened rabbit. “Lance, I’m gonna go and help you, okay?’

 

Lance stays frozen like a deer in the headlights, holding the soaked blanket in front of him. Shiro sees him open his mouth and close it a couple times, like he wants to speak but can’t find the right words to express his emotions.

 

“I want _abuela_ ,” Lance finally whispers. Shiro freezes. He doesn’t know what to say now. Lance’s shoulders start to shake and suddenly, he bursts into tears.

 

“Shit,” Shiro whispers to himself, after a few seconds of shock. He instantly springs into action, hoisting Lance up and ignoring the teen’s soaked pajamas.

 

“I’m dirty,” Lance says brokenly, trying to pull away. “Sh-Shiro, I’m - I’m stupid, I’m not worth-”

 

“Shh,” he whispers, tightening his grip and rubbing his back gently. “You’re not dirty or stupid at all, Lance. Stop saying that.”

 

“But I am-” Lance wails, covering his face in shame. He bites his lip, taking a shuddery breath. “I’m the weak one here, I ruined the mission, I can’t even keep my pants dry and it was my fault-”

 

“Stop that,” Shiro says again, carrying Lance out the door and to the bathroom before sitting on the closed toilet seat. With the hysterical teen still on his lap, he begins to try and calm him down. “Lance, kiddo, you need to breathe. Slowly.”

 

“I-I c-can’t-”

 

“Yes you can, buddy. You’re doing great, okay?”

 

“Sorry,” he sobs. “S-sorry, Shiro, s-sorry, I-I tried to b-become better, I tr-tried,”

 

“Listen to me,” Shiro interrupts, voice firm, yet still gently. “You’re safe. I won’t let anyone hurt you.”

 

“Y-you left me,” Lance whispers shakily, properly looking Shiro in the eye for the first time that night. “Y-you know I-I don’t like to be alone, but you all l-left me.”

 

Shiro shakes his head slowly and sighs. “I’m sorry, Lance. We thought you wanted space.”

 

“I _needed_ someone,” he sobs brokenly, shaking. “N-no one saw, n-no one cared and-and-”

 

“Shh,” Shiro soothes. “Let’s breathe before talking, okay? Can you hear my breathing?”

 

“.…Y-yeah,”

 

“Good,” he hums. “Try to follow that… See? You’re doing so well, Lance…”

 

Lance cries some more after that, shaking in Shiro’s arms. Shiro holds him and whispers sweet reassurances, helping him breathe slowly.

 

“Now keep breathing like that. See? All better.” He smiles sadly.

 

Fifteen minutes pass. Lance is still shaking on Shiro’s lap, but his breathing has calmed down considerably. “Let’s get you cleaned up,” Shiro whispers, hoisting Lance up and setting him on the toilet seat, brushing the teen’s hair away from his wet face.

 

His heart breaks when he sees how utterly drained and exhausted Lance is. The usually bright and happy teenager is now void of any energy, looking and acting a lot more younger than sixteen.

 

“I-I have to clean up,” Lance hiccups quietly, pointing out the door, his face bright red.

 

“I’ve got it, kiddo,” Shiro assures him, ruffling his hair.

 

Lance shakes his head. “But…”

 

“It’s okay,” he says, feeling the humiliation roll off him. “Come to my room after, yeah? Then we can talk.” He says softly.

 

“O-okay.”

 

Shiro cleans up Lance’s mess while he waits, making sure to put all the sheets in the wash. He frowns when he sees that the mattress has been stained repeatedly, then sighs in realization. When that’s done, he grabs a spare blanket from the closet and silently thanks God that no one else was awake to witness Lance’s humiliating experience. When he gets back to his room, Lance is sitting on his bed in fresh pajamas, his hair still dripping wet.

 

“How are you feeling?” He asks gently, grabbing the towel. He sits beside him and dries his hair.

 

Lance leans on Shiro and shrugs. “I’m sorry,” he says morosely, his cheeks tinged pink. “I-I dunno why I freaked out, back there… It’s not like I was being attacked or anything.”

 

“You were having a panic attack,” Shiro explains as gently as he can, keeping all judgement away from his voice. “Which is understandable, considering the state we found you in.”

 

“I still feel like I overreacted,” Lance whines, leaning on Shiro and rubbing his eyes tiredly. “I mean, I’m sixteen years old and I fucking _pissed myself._ ”

 

“Has this happened before?” Shiro asks gently, and Lance freezes, looking down in shame, before nodding.

 

Shiro breathes out. _One step forward._ “Okay. Since when?”

 

“It-it used to happen when I was a kid,” Lance admits. “But it stopped when I was 9. It started again when you rescued me.”

 

“I don’t know how you can think I’m not disgusting.” He adds whispers, voice clipped.

 

Shiro sighs and shakes his head, wrapping an arm around the teenager. “Lance, kiddo, If this had happened to Keith, Hunk, or Pidge, would you find them disgusting?”

 

Lance shakes his head quickly. “Of course not! But-”

 

“But nothing,” he interrupts. “It’s the same thing. It’s out of your control, and none of us are going to judge you.”

 

“They touched me.”

 

Shiro freezes and pulls back to look Lance in the eyes. His heart feels like it isn’t beating. “What, Lance?”

 

Lance hiccups, a few tears leaking out of his eyes. He stays clutching onto Shiro’s arms like a lifeline. “They _touched_ me,” he repeats. “And-and I didn’t want that, Shiro, I really didn’t, and I begged them to stop but they still touched me,”

 

Shiro feels his blood boil. “Lance…”

 

“A-and, it hurt,” he hiccups, crying steadily. “Like-like I didn’t h-have a choice. And everything was so painful, Shiro, it hurt,”

 

“We’re gonna kill them,” Shiro decides, his hands shaking from anger. “We’re gonna destroy them and-”

 

“Don’t say anything now please, I’m tired,” Lance cries, shaking his head. “We can talk about it tomorrow, but-but just me and you first, please, please, Shiro, please-”

 

“Okay,” Shiro breathes out, trying to calm his anger. “Okay, we will.”

 

Lance sniffles. “I’m so _tired._ ”

 

“I know,” Shiro says softly this time, rubbing his back. “I know you are.”

 

“I wanna go _home,_ ” Lance says, more tears falling. “It _hurts,_ Shiro, and I don’t even know what really happened to me. I’m not worth this, I don’t want anyone to see that I’m weak, I want to go back to my family,”

 

He’s crying now, but it’s a different kind of crying. He isn’t sobbing hysterically like before, but this hurts Shiro a lot more. Lance is crying because he’s giving up. Because he feels like he’s gonna be weak forever.

 

“It’s okay,” Shiro says, even though right now, it really isn’t. “You’re okay, and you’re going to be just fine, Lance. I swear.”

 

“What if I won’t be?”

 

It’s a genuine question. A sad, broken, question. Shiro closes his eyes and tugs Lance closer to him, kissing his hair. “Then we’ll take care of you. And we’ll love you no matter what.”

 

Lance cries himself to sleep in Shiro’s arms. When it’s over, Shiro tucks him in gently, brushing his hair away from his face again and sighing. The teen looks _so young,_ and it hurts to know that he totally ignored Lance’s earlier cries of help.

 

Exhaling harshly, Shiro leaves Lance in bed while he changes into fresh clothes, making sure to keep all the wet clothes and sheets in the laundry room to be washed in the morning. His head hurts and he is so angry at himself for not being there when Lance needed him most, but he pushes those thoughts away in favor of getting ready quicker so he can be with Lance again.

A few minutes later, Lance’s eyes flutter open. “Papa?” He mumbles, stirring around.

 

“It’s Shiro, buddy,” Shiro whispers, gently running his hand through his hair.

“Papa,” he whispers, clinging to him tightly. “ _No me dejes_ , papa,”

 

Shiro frowns, not knowing what that means, but he pulls him closer either way. “You’re safe, Lance,” he promises, trying to soothe him completely. “Nothing’s going to hurt you, okay? Not anymore.”

Lance looks confused for a bit, sort of like he doesn’t remember what happened that night, but he seems to accept that answer and falls back asleep with his head against Shiro’s chest. Shiro stays up that night, rubbing Lance’s back and trying to keep the fear at bay.

 

* * *

 

In the morning, Lance is quiet and exhausted, but dry, so Shiro considers that a small mercy. Lance clings to him and hides behind him while he proposes a day off for all of them so that they can talk things out. Allura seems to understand, and she nods, letting Shiro take Lance to the back of the castle. The two of them sit comfortably on a big couch, and Lance starts talking.

 

He cries and cries and cries when he’s done, letting Shiro hold him and whisper reassurances in his ear. He doesn’t feel any better by the time he’s done talking, but he takes comfort in the fact that he’s not alone. He still has to apologize to Keith and thank all of them for being so patient. He still has panic attacks often. He still has to find the courage to tell the whole team what actually happened. He still has to find a solution for the bedwetting and nightmares, and he still needs time to believe that what happened was not his fault.

 

It doesn’t get better right away. Not even close.

 

But it’s one step towards progress, and he starts being more comfortable with the team again. He stays with Shiro when the nights get too dark, and Shiro doesn’t mind having to clean themselves up if he wets the bed in the morning. He and Keith start to practice sparring again, with Allura’s supervision. Pidge and Hunk help him de-stress when he feels a panic attack coming on.

 

On one particular bad night, he can’t sleep and his anxiety levels are skyrocketing through the roof. Pidge finds him having a panic attack in the kitchen, and they run to get Shiro. When his panic attack subsides, Shiro takes him to the living room while the rest of the team sets up a fort in the living room where they can all relax. Hunk and Coran make the weird looking Altean version of cookies and Lance almost cries at how touched he is.

 

They spend hours watching old Altean documentaries, and soon they all fall asleep one by one. Typically, Lance is the last one awake. He looks around and tiredly smiles to himself at the view. Keith’s mouth is half open, Hunk is snoring, and Pidge is completely covered in a blanket. _This is fine,_ Lance thinks, curling up to Shiro, surrounded by his teammate. _This is good. This is what I wanna can do._

 

“Lance?” Shiro mumbles, pulling him closer. “Are you okay?”

 

“Yeah,” Lance says honestly. “I think I am.”

 

He falls asleep wrapped in Shiro’s arms, and has no nightmares. He wakes up dry and happy, snuggling into Shiro’s chest till the rest of them wake up.

 

For the first time in weeks, the load on his chest feels lighter than ever.

 

**the end**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and there we go! i hope i didn't let this fandom down.
> 
> lance is my baby and i just want him to be happy and not feel ashamed of the way his body is responding to the trauma he's been through. please let me know what you think and if i should write some more for this fandom - suggestions for angsty stories are my absolute favorite!
> 
> thank you for reading. 
> 
> x all the love

**Author's Note:**

> english isn't my first language, i'm so sorry if my grammar is off at some parts!
> 
> the next chapter will be up soon ! :) please leave comments and constructive suggestions for me to improve my writing. thank you for reading.


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